04-11-2015.

I was thinking.
What if..
I left her?

I mean,
What if I was so angry to her because of what happened to her? Because she can’t even think straight about relationship?
What if i decided to left her when she said she can’t trust anyone after what happened?
What if I broke my promise and just stormed out of my relationship with her without looking more closely on what happened to her?
What if I gave her up?
What if I said mean things to her, mainly angry because she can’t trust me although I’ve done nothing wrong?

What will happen?

Will she be happy?
No.

Will I be happy?
Absolutely fucking not.

For the first time since weeks ago,
I suddenly felt unwanted.
Like, I don’t know if she cares whether I’m holding on or not.
Does she cares if I give up?
Does she cares if I suddenly go away, turning my back on her?

I don’t know. But I don’t think she does.
She can’t even think about relationship right now.
I’m trying so hard to keep the ship afloat, but to me she’s just.. Sitting ducks doing nothing.
I honestly don’t really know what she’s doing.
And it’s starting to sink.

Is she helping me keeping the ship afloat even though she’s alone below the deck?
Is she even trying to help the ship stay afloat?

For the first time, i want to quit.
I want to stop fighting. Just because it feels like I’m doing this all by myself.
This is so hard.
The thought of fighting alone is invading me right now.
I’m in total hopeless confusion.

But I don’t want to lose her.
I don’t want to leave her.

And, as hard as it may be, the only thing I can do to accomplish that is.. To be patient, and holding on to whatever moment I have with her.

All I want right now, is for her to be able to talk to me.
As simple as that.
I trusted her with her recovery process.
All I know, she’s fighting to get back on track.

I still remember all the promises I made for her.
And the promises she made for me.
They are the only things that made me able to keep on fighting.
I know she doesn’t forget her promises.

……

Dear Love,

I felt so hopeless.
I wanted to give up.
I wanted to throw away all that we have, all that we’ve built together.

But deep down in my heart, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to give you up, no matter how hard the situation is.
Every time I think of giving up, I always remember what you told me months ago.
“Dont give up on me. No matter how hard the situation is.”

We’re not in unhealthy or unclear relationship.
We, are in relationship.
We just need to work harder than usual to be able to receive our happiness in the end.
Let’s not blame anyone, let’s not ask why ‘that’, happened.
Let’s focus on the best that we can do.

You, with your recovery process.
Me, with my constant care, love, understanding, and patience.

I’m going to promise you one more thing.
That will be the first, and the last time I feel like giving up.
There will be no. Second. Time.

You will see me keeping my promises.
I know you remember yours.
It’s bloody hard, yes. I know the feeling.
But don’t give up.
Let’s fight together.
We will emerge from the storm, together, victorious.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.
 


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