30-11-2015.

14:42

No matter how angry I get,
I always ended up forgiving people that I love.
I guess its the perks of being an INFP with >90% Feelings.

Just like this one.
No matter how broken I am, no matter how shattered I am, I do still love her.
It’s like, my love to her refused to be destroyed.

It’s like the very same thing is happening again for the fourth time.
And every time this happened, my love for her only grew bigger.

Just like her.
I remember she said that she forgives all those nasty people.
Why? Just because they were once an important person to her.
Just please, do NOT compare with those betraying fucktards.

Goddamn stupid heart.

……

Dear Love,

I got this one problem. I wouldn’t say its a problem, though. But you might.
The day when you lied to me, and broke all your promises to me, I felt like a glass. Or a mirror. Or a mug. Or a plate. Or whatever it is that could easily shatter.
It’s like you threw me down to the floor, shattered me to pieces.

But there’s this one piece, one whole piece of love from me that refused to be broken.
It refused to be shattered to pieces.
Yes, you might have broke my heart to pieces.
But I do NOT know why my heart refused to hate you.
He refused to loathe you.
He even forgives you.
He still loves you.

I still love you.

Isn’t it amazing?
How you can break my heart to little pieces, and I still love you.
I can found my love among those pieces.

I don’t know what universe has planned for us.
She doesn’t even let me hate you.
She glued my love for you deep in my soul.
If she does have a plan for us, I will need a bloody sign right now.
6 years. 6 bloody years.
And she still hasn’t given me any clear sign about us.

Are we being played at ?
Or maybe I am being played at.
Not just by universe.

But by you.

Or, I don’t know. I can’t think.
My whole heart, body, and brain are scattered everywhere.
Perhaps I should ask this unbroken love.
A mixture of my love for you and the love you gave for me.

 
V.A.C.W.

 


Love, oh love that refused to be destroyed,
What am I supposed to do?
What about me and her?
What does Universe has in store for us?


 
Linked to: a song that perfectly represents me right now.
I remember she loved to hear this song when she was heartbroken 3-4 years ago.
Now I know why.

Lies.

 
Lies spewing from your mouth;
Immolating me inside out.
Eyes filled with tears;
Sorrow ringing in my ears.

After your lack of honesty,
Regrets came, along with misery;
Eating away my sanity.

Like drinking a cyanide,
I am suffocating, dying inside.
Every breath is murder;
Seemingly endless torture.

 

V.A.C.W.
04:20

 

One repeated lie. Exposed.
Without explanation, without showing any remorse.
That’s all it takes for me to question everything.
Every. Single. Thing.

29-11-2015.

13:00

I’ve been thinking.

Right now, I don’t know if the things she said to me are true.
Because of that one fatal lie.

Like I said, she lied to me numerous times about one topic.
About her hiding her Facebook timeline.
That was one simple small topic.

I understand that she’s not always lying in every word she said.
But, from my point of view right now, she’s just can’t be trusted.
More like, I don’t know which one is true and not.

That one lie made me question EVERYTHING she said to me.

A thief will steal something from me.
A murderer will kill me.
Those are bad things, but at least I know their intentions.
But to a liar? I don’t know where to stand with them.

…….

Dear Love,

I don’t know which part of our debate few days ago that can be trusted.
You tirelessly defended yourself against me.
You were so sure with yourself back then.
But the truth was, you lied.

You know how it feels to be lied to, right?
I remember those people that betrayed you did the same thing to you.
Those people made you say, “Do you think I’m fucking stupid?” to them.

Now do you think I am?
I’m sorry, but I’m not.

And here we go, let me present you the worst part of my thoughts.
They are awful, cruel, and terrible, yes.
When you lied to me, these thoughts crept in.
Get ready to read. It’s going to be a little ugly.

You said that you didn’t do anything behind my back.
But what I can see is that you had something with that bloody guy.
You are actually playing behind my back.

You said that you only wanted to achieve your goal. And you just don’t want to have a close relationship with anyone.
But from what I can see, you just want to get rid of me.
And that’s hard, because I did nothing to you.
Because what we have, our relationship, is really sweet and wonderful.

You just wanted to do something behind my back without me knowing.
Maybe because you thought it would be hard for me to know the truth.
If that’s true, if you thought that way, I’m sorry to tell you that you’re a coward that doesn’t want to tell the truth to someone just because you thought it would hurt them.
But a harsh truth is always better than the most wonderful lie.

Maybe you’ve turned into her.
That certain girl who hide something behind her husband.
I know you understand who am I referring to.
Look at her. Remember when you repeatedly said that you didn’t want to be her? That what she did was a really horrible stupid thing?
Well guess what, now it seems like I’m the husband, you’re her, and that guy is the guy she hide behind her husband’s back.
You’ve turned into her without realizing it.

I would not be having these thoughts if I knew why did you lie to me.
But you chose not to tell me.
That amplified everything.

All those things, about why did you choose not to fix yourself, about why did you suddenly gave up on us, about why you lied to me and hide everything from me, about what I saw with you and that certain guy.
It all connected and made perfect sense.
That you are actually cheating on me.

You have another thoughts? Those are not true?
Please, by all means, enlighten me.
And tell me the truest truth.

But for this time, with what I knew, I wanted to say, be very afraid.
Not to me, I’m not a monster.
But to karma.
You saw what karma did to those people that did bad things to you.
All I could see right now, you are doing something behind my back.
You are cheating on me.
And the worst part is, you didn’t tell me the truth about everything. You even hide a simple small fact such as hiding your Facebook timeline.

I might not do something to you.
But unfortunately, karma would.

You could scream right now, “You are trying to fucking judge me!”
Well, I took all of those with a grain of salt.
But even a grain of salt is still salty.
How can I trust anything that you say if you lied to me about one simple small thing?
What’s more, you did NOT even tell me why you lied.
That’s the worst part.
And you did NOT even say sorry for the fact that you’ve lied.
Was that arrogance or self-righteous ? I don’t know.
If only you would say something to me.

If all or part of those things are true, maybe you would like to try to lie to yourself and say to yourself that those things aren’t true.
Maybe if you lie to yourself HARD enough, those things that you lied to me will become a real truth someday. Isn’t that what you want?
So you don’t need to make amends to me.
So maybe karma will scratch you off her list.

But we are sitting in karma cafe now.
I wonder what she had prepared for us?
Perhaps you want to clear things to me before she gets back.
Or maybe you just love to have your ‘food’ rotten, surrounded by flies.

Maybe.
 

V.A.C.W.

 


image

28-11-2015.

13:10

I woke up, and I thought of her.
Well, I always think of her everytime I wake up and before falling asleep at night.

The pain came. And it hurts like hell.
I asked myself,

“Why did she do that to me? Did I even do something wrong in the first place?”

And I couldn’t found an answer.
But then, the pain subsided.
I remember yesterday when she lied to me.
She actually lied to me so many times.
Until this very minute, I just don’t get it. Why did she choose to lie to me?

The logic is, if you have nothing to hide, then you won’t lie.
And she lied.
She got something to hide from me.
What’s more, she even insisted to me many times that she did NOT lie.
Well, the cat’s out of the bag now.

That thought made my heart numb.

I don’t know the reason she lied.
But if she lied to me that many times, there must be something.
I don’t know, maybe she’s cheating.
Or maybe not, I really do NOT bloody know.
I don’t have any other thinking other than that.
Because it was a simple “Yes I hide it from you.”
It was so bloody simple. God.

And she lied.

……

Dear Love,

I didn’t ask you to be lovey dovey.
I just asked you to stay with me, and try to find something to fix us.

You said I’ll be fine without you?
Well here’s the breaking news for you,
I won’t.

You didn’t even try to fix yourself.
You didn’t even try to fix us.
Just because of one selfish thinking.
Just because you THOUGHT I would be fine without you.

You’re not thinking straight ever since ‘that’ happened.
Maybe next time you should stop using your brain.
And feel it with your heart instead.
Remember that you do want to give me a chance but you can’t?
You’re letting your brain full of awful thoughts win.
And you let your heart succumb to it.

Put yourself in my position.
Would you be fine without me if I’ve done the same thing?
Maybe you would say, “Yes I would.”
But that’s because you did not really put yourself in my shoes.

I remember you said you’re not surprised if anyone leaves.
And you’d be more surprised if they stay.
I don’t know if you’re surprised or what, but I do surprised you tried to left me.

If you were the one who fight for me for 2 straight months, and ended up failed, ended up being lied to, ended up seeing someone you love being lovey dovey with someone else even though they clearly said that they can’t do lovey dovey shit, how do you think that would feel?
I’ll tell you how does that feel for me.

It’s like I’m being thrown into a pit full of spikes, and then burned to ashes.
And it’s like you were the one who threw me down the pit.
You threw someone who loves you and would do anything for you to the pit.

Again, if you don’t believe in my love for you, if you just can’t trust me, if it is all about not wanting to trust someone, just READ all my posts from the start to the end.
Open your eyes. Open your heart.
Stop clouding yourself with that selfish cynical bitter mind of yours.
And think about me sometimes.

You said you’ve read the Magic book, you’ve read the Jar.
Now read it again without those stupid awful emotions.
You wrote that book to REMIND YOURSELF of us in difficult times.
What do you think our situation looks like right now?
Easy times? A stroll in the park?

Sigh.

You said you still have your love and trust for me somewhere in your heart.
But they are shaded by your fear.
So I dare you to actually READ your magic book.
I dare you to READ all my posts.
Most importantly, READ them without your stupid emotions.
Put them ASIDE while you read.
I don’t know if you really have read them all or not. But I don’t think you have.
It’s Saturday, right? Spend this day to read all of those things I mentioned.

And if you ask, yes, I do still love you.
Like I said, my bloody stupid heart always forgive someone he loves.

Although,
“No matter how much I fight for someone, they always ended up leaving me.”
You should eradicate those words from your mind.
Because they suit me really well right now.

And about the signature in my every posts,
even though I’m too lazy to write “Love, Yours” right now, know that I’m still yours until today.
You’ve sealed me ever since this moment happened.
 
V.A.C.W.
 


respect

Uninvited Yearning.

 

Arrived without warning;
Entered without knocking;
Suddenly attacking.

Vague, like a gentle breeze;
Violent, like tempestuous seas;
Doing as it please.

Devoid of sympathy;
Eradicating tranquility;
Shattering harmony.

Words fail;
Body frail;
Heart turned stale.

Abruptly leaving;
Unfinished killing;
Left me wailing.

 

V.A.C.W.
03:14

 

It’s as if one touch, one kiss,
would able to sate my thirst for love
for a thousand years.

27-11-2015.

14:47

It finally revealed.

She was actually hiding something from me.
I asked her multiple times this question,

“Do you actually hide something from me on Facebook? Your posts or anything?”

And I always got the same answer.

“No.”

If you haven’t known, there is this one function that allows you to keep one of your friend in a tab called Close Friend tab.
And it will allow you to see a number of new posts that they made.
And yesterday, the close friend notification just keep coming.
They added up to 4.
But when I went to her profile, there’s nothing new there.

I was like, what the fuck is wrong with Facebook?

And today, I gave her one chance.
I asked her if she was hiding everything from me on Facebook.
She said she wasn’t.
And I dared her to take a screenshot on her timeline.
She didn’t want to.
I told her if she doesn’t want to I will ask someone else that knew her.
She said I should ask whoever I wanted to ask.

Okay.
And I asked someone.
And the result ?
She was actually hiding something from me.

So she lied to me numerous times. So many fucking times.
That was fatal.
Plus, she was ready to left me. So she broke her promises, she said she promised she would never leave me and would never give up on me no matter what.
And she said there’s nothing with her and that certain guy that was doing Skype call with her. But as far as I can see, they are doing lovey dovey shit things that she said she can’t do.

And the most heartbreaking part was, she said she doesn’t want to fix herself for me because she thought I would be fine without her.
What kind of selfish thinking was that?
Those words tore me to bloody pieces.

The final blow was the promises part. She didn’t even try to keep her promises. Even though she clearly said that she will always love me no matter what.

Those things made me unable to trust her now.
All I know, she’s just can’t be trusted.
She didn’t stay real behind me.

Maybe for me she’s officially cruel now.
Is this what she usually does to person that she loves?
I don’t know. I just don’t know what is happening with her.

All I know, She destroyed me. Shattered me to tiny little pieces.
And I don’t want to collect my pieces.
I don’t even know how to arrange them.
Only she knows.

I don’t care about anything anymore.
Right now, I’ll just let those pieces blown by the wind.

……

Dear Love,

Why Love?
Because my stupid heart always forgive you no matter how many mistakes you’ve made.
My stupid heart always forgive someone that he loves. And it’s you.

You should re-read all my posts starting from 16th October 2015.
Just to remind yourself how much I love you, in case your amnesia kicks in.

Like I said, you are officially cruel and evil right now.
My situation right now matched with what you said to me,

“No matter how much I fight for someone, they always ended up leaving me.”

Now that there’s someone fighting for you, you LEFT them.
You LEFT me.
Can’t you see the irony ?

Right now, I have no one left around me.
My friends on Skype, those two people that you know, are paying no attention to me. I remember when we had a problem with one of them you said to me NOT to make you regret choosing me. And I did my best.
And this is what you gave me now?
Perhaps I regret choosing you back then.

You promised.
You gave me your word. You filled me with hope and security.
You told me the things I needed to hear to take the chance and make the jump with you.

You made me feel like I was worth it, I was who you wanted.
But you shattered that all quite well.
You didn’t even try to fix us.
You turned around and left me falling without you.

You promised me you wouldn’t.
But you did.
You left me.
And you gave up on us.

Congratulations.
You’ve successfully destroyed me.
Utterly.
To tiny little pieces.
You know how it feels like to be destroyed.
And now, you did to me what those people did to you. With 10 times the pain.
If this is what you want, please congratulate yourself and pat yourself in the back.
You’ve earned it.

 

V.A.C.W.

 


6455e6e5efabf5c29b5544c7738e87a7

Aftermath.

 

The fire started to ran out.

I tried to find a fuel just to keep it burning. I threw whatever I have just to keep it alive. Papers with my writing on them, all my books, all my clothes, even my own body.

And here I am right now, sitting alone, bare naked, covered in ashes, with a huge gaping hole in my heart; With all the burn marks on my body; Wailing; Writhing in pain.

It’s cold.

Very cold.

 

V.A.C.W.
04:34

 

You have the matches and the firewood.
What are you going to do?

26-11-2015.

23:59

I was sitting in my pitch black room, staring into nothingness.
And I just completely realized something.

I’m a victim.
I’m a hopeless victim.

Because of what happened to her, she decided to throw away all her close relationships.
Even though I did nothing wrong to her.
So in short, I have to accept that she has changed because of what those people did to her.

I really am, a victim, huh.
It’s like I’m a innocent victim from a fucking nuclear war.

Right now, I’m actually speechless.
I’m just forcing myself to write.
But my head and my heart feel so empty.

Right now it feels like I am ONCE AGAIN forced to bury my own feelings towards her.
Once again ?

She and I had a long history since 6 years ago.
The point is, in those 6 years, I buried my feelings for her three times.
Three bloody times.
And it looks like it’s going to happen once again.
I believe she has done it first.
She buried her feelings deep since that day.

This time I will need a way bigger chest.
A very huge one.

……

Dear Love,

We still got a lot of things to talk about.
I don’t want my questions to fester inside me and make me worse than I already am.

I suddenly remember one thing you said to me.

“6 years. That’s how long we need to wait before we can be with each other again.”

I remember you always said that words are prayer.
It looks like that one prayer of yours was answered.

Rejoice?
 

V.A.C.W.

25-11-2015.

23:40

Story time.

Yesterday, I was having a rare Skype conversation call with my friends.
Friends I’ve known online since 2-3 years ago.
And all 3 of them are actually thousands of miles away.

We were just having a normal conversation, remembering nostalgic events when we were playing a certain game together.
We used to play the game while drunk.
And I have to say, those days were awesome.
We stopped playing because two of them were having a problem with each other.
What kind of problem ? Well.. Let’s say, love problems.
And yesterday, when I thought they were fine, they did it again.

Let’s call them Varus and Lulu. And the another one Darius. Well, luckily Darius was away from keyboard.
And if any of you wondering right now, yes, I was a League player.

“Alright guys, I think I’m going to call it.” Said Lulu.

“So soon? I thought we were about to play Hearthstone or HoTS together?” Replied Varus.

“Yea, but, It’s getting kind of late.”

“No, I know it’s still around 6 P.M. over there.”

“Well yeah, but it’s still late.”

“You sure? X is here, Darius is here, It’s been so long since we talked together like this.”

“I know, I know. And I’m sorry. But I just really can’t stay.”

And the call dropped.
I thought, okay? I guess she’s busy and all? But isn’t that a bit strange?
And then, Varus called me.

“Mate, what’s with Lulu?” I asked him.

“I don’t know, you know how strange she can be sometimes.” He replied.

“Yeah but, you and her were really close back then. You guys were lovers.”

“Don’t remind me of those times. You know that she’s just using me back there. She’s just an attention whore! You know by yourself that she’s always look for attention from people around her. She needs attention. She’s breathing from it! And when her thirst for attention fulfilled, she left those people. AND, as you knew, she’s going to repeat those cycle. So please, by all that is holy, do NOT say something related to me and her. I had enough of her.”

I was speechless.
Is Lulu really that bad ?
I mean, well, over Skype she sounds fine and all.
But Varus knew her better than me. Well, she’s his ex anyway.

“Don’t be so hard on her, mate. You don’t know what she’s been through in her life.” I finally said.

“Let me tell you things about her.” He replied. “He had a problem with her father. Her father was super abusive. Okay, I understand that she had a super rough past. But that does not mean that she can treat people like shit. Just because she feels broken, does not mean the whole world shares her perspective. It does not mean the entire planet must go down in flames because of those experiences she had! Now you understand why I acted like that? Now you understand why I left her? I was almost ready to give all my life for her ! I was ready to move from this goddamn country to her place ! And she still treated me like shit. I guess she was just a bitch at personality.”

“I understand, I understand well, mate. But hey, you can’t just snap and say mean things about her. All I know, to handle people with bad bad past experience, we have to have compassion and understanding.”

“Do not teach me about compassion, understanding, or even patience, nerd. I understand that you might got more wisdom than me. You read books, you learned a lot more things than me or even Lulu. But, what really matter is the experience you got on the field. On the battle. On the real fucking war. I had enough with Lulu. That’s that.”

“Fine. Alright. I’m sorry.”

“No, yes, I snapped. Really. I’m sorry. Fuck this shit. All I want is for us to be happy playing together just like we were when we were doing that drunk arena. And you see Lulu? You see how she acted towards us? How bipolar she can be? How easily she’s triggered by simple stupid things? God damnit.”

And I went silent.
I distracted him after that. I asked him about his work as a chef.
I was.. Surprised.
Because for a moment back there I see myself in Varus.
I mean, I don’t know what is happening with Lulu and her past, but all I know is that Varus, couldn’t stand whatever Lulu was doing to him.
Look, I know whatever happened to her was different from Lulu. And her bitterness level might not as high as Lulu, but still, to see Varus struggling from whatever it was Lulu was doing to her, I kind of feel sad for him.
Even kind and patient person has their limit.
And Varus, reached his.

I really don’t want her to be like Lulu.
I mean, turned bitter because of what happened in the past.
And I, don’t want to be like Varus.
As in having a “limit” in facing something.

I’m not going to judge Lulu or even Varus. They both have their own problems.
They both have their own pasts.
I just, well, saw what a past can do to a person. At least according to Varus.
And I saw a man that has reached his limit. Heck, Varus might be stupid, but he’s kind. And when someone able to push him to his limit, that person must be something.
Lulu, must be something.
Maybe. Or maybe Varus was the problem.
I don’t know. And I don’t really want to know.
Again, I don’t want to judge anything.

I guess, this time, I could say she’s right.
There are some things that we shouldn’t know or hear.

Okay. She won this time.

……

Dear Love,

I have to admit, you were right.
There really are some things that we shouldn’t know or hear.
I don’t want to judge Varus and Lulu.
And the best way to do that ? Is to be oblivious.
Although I already heard almost everything.
But yeah, again, you were right.
I learned something today.

If Lulu really was turned bitter because of her past,
I just want to say, please don’t be like her.
Don’t let your past change you into someone bitter.
Better, not Bitter.
Just one alphabet can change everything.

It might be hard for you to trust people right now, even me.
But like I said, I promised I won’t make you regret trusting me.
No. I’m not like those people who judge something solely from what they’ve heard. Hell, I don’t even want to judge anything from someone before asking the person themselves.

So do not be afraid of me.
I’m not a spider. I’m not running around with 8 legs.
I only have two arms to hold you, a pair of lips to kiss yours, a pair of eyes to see your perfect imperfections, and a heart to love you.
To love you, no matter what.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


NBC8xNt

One Morning.

 

It was 10 am in the morning. I rolled over on my right side; Kissed her on her forehead and her eyes. I stood up, took her favourite mug, and started to make tea.

“You chose tea over me?” She asked heartily in her enchanting raspy morning voice. I glanced at her and smiled. I sipped at my bitter hot morning tea and quickly back to bed where she lied. I leaned down and kissed her; An upside-down kiss.

Her wet lips were as warm as the morning sun, and as bitter as the tea; Bitter, yet so sweet and luscious. My stomach danced; My brain stopped functioning; I found myself without a clue. It’s as if I was lost in a fantasy world, where Love is the most powerful magic, and I fell willingly under her spell.

“Tea kiss.” She said, playfully. “Now everytime I drink tea, I will always remember this morning kiss. I’ve been cursed.”

Little did she know that she has cursed me long before that morning. She’s a soul so exquisite, that made my life beyond perfect. My life would be nothing more than a mere existence without her. I’m cursed to love her this much; And I’m blessed that she is more than worth for this love. She’s a blessing, and a curse at the same time.

“Don’t forget the mug. You’ll remember my lips every time you drink from that mug. That’s another curse for you.” I replied, laughing.

 

V.A.C.W.
01:29

 

It was the first and the last time I drank tea with you.
I remember you said that someday, in one evening, we would just sit down and drink tea together, just the two of us.
And I would give you another kiss, a bitter tea kiss.

I’m still waiting for that day to come.
I guess it’s okay to say that you owe me a kiss.
One bitter yet lusciously sweet kiss.