It’s 31st October.
… Time flies.
Exactly 2 months ago, I was holding her in my arms.
Just a fortnight before ‘that’ happened.
We were having dinner that night.
She was super busy with assignment, and something happened with her and people around her.
That night was the first time she had a proper dinner after two days.
I asked what happened, and asked if i could go to her place after dinner.
She looked terrified.
As if there’s something she doesn’t want to see in her place other than her piling assignments.
I told her it’s fine if she doesn’t want to tell me, I can ask her later when she’s finished with her assignments.
And, well, now i know what happened to her that day.
I remember what I said to her,
“I will give you your time that you need for your assignments. It’s okay if you’re busy. I understand.”
“But, I just want to ask you one thing : You know I miss you, and I’m trying to be patient with your routine. Please, do not make me regret my decision to give you your busy time later.”
She said : Yes.
I gave her her birthday present, gave her one big hug, plenty of kisses, and took a train back home.
That, was the last time i saw her smile, was the last time i saw her laugh, was the last time i saw her.
Because 2 weeks after, she was destroyed. To pieces.
And she’s still struggling to search for her scattered pieces.
And I’m not allowed to help.
And to this day, I still can’t completely understand why she can’t talk to me just like she’s talking to someone else.
Okay. she can’t talk sweet things, but, not even a simple “how are you?”
Not even a simple “what are you doing?”
She said because it felt like she needs to be like what she was before ‘that’ happened.
Can’t she just..
No, maybe not. I was, and still – she’s just too afraid to touch her feeling – the person she loves. A very important person to her.
Yes, ‘that’ made her having a major trust issues. Even to someone she loves the most. Me.
But what of other people? Why can she talk to them?
Because they are no one ? Because she don’t have anything related to them ?
Yes, I’m jealous. It hurts a little. Just because i don’t completely understand.
I’m slightly confused right now.
Do i regret that I gave her the time?
Honestly, I don’t know. What happened to me and her was totally unfair.
It’s like I’m playing football alone against 11 men, and I’m forced to sit in the bench leaving my goal unguarded.
And now, she doesn’t even want to see me.
Heck, not even a simple small talks.
I am ready to blame anyone right now.
There are a lot of things i don’t understand between me and her after ‘that’ happened.
She doesn’t even understand herself right now.
How did things get so horribly complicated?
All i want is to live my life with her, and make her happy for the rest of her life.
Is that so difficult ?
What happened to us?
I know you don’t know the answer.
And neither do I.
I know you don’t know when will you be able to talk to me again freely.
And, again, neither do I.
We both are oblivious to many things that happened between us.
People said time will answer things that you and me don’t understand now.
All i know right now, I want to try to see you. And see what’s going to happen.
.. I know you hate the idea.
But sometimes, talking directly face to face without speaking, is the best thing to do to be able to understand things between two person.
As long as we talk with our heart.
At least I am trying to do something for us.
I can’t help but wonder about what are you doing everyday since i gave you your space.
Are you.. trying to fix yourself everyday?
Are you.. trying to fix what happened to us even though you don’t know what was it?
Have you.. Read your “Magic” Book?
Don’t give up.
Yes, it’s still quite a journey for you, for us, to recover. Although anything can happen in just one day. We don’t know. No one knows.
But look behind, look how far we’ve walked together.
After years, we finally come this far.
Don’t you give up.
I miss you.