24-10-2015.

Okay so.

Yesterday i was hospitalized for food poisoning.
It was terrible, really.
But, i met a doctor, a young doctor, when i was walking on the corridor with my IV drip. I was about to pay for hospital fees.

He was nice. He asked me about how am i feeling. I said i’m better.
And, i don’t know what’s wrong with him having a lot of free time talking to a patient that was not his patient, but we talked about a lot of things. for minutes.
What’s special about this guy is that he.. Is in the Psychology Department.
I spontaneously said that i wanted to consult.
He laughed.
But i said i was serious.
And within few minutes we were back to my room.
We talked about my problem with her.

I started to tell him all about us.
About what i felt, about what she’s been through. Almost everything.
And.. He was mad at me.
Not literally mad, just kind of pissed as in like, “Why did you do that?” kind of pissed.
Or maybe he wasn’t pissed, it was just his face, i don’t know.
The point is, he told me a lot of things.

He told me that friendship breakup is usually a lot worse than relationship breakup.
Usually people would need almost 2 months to cope with what happened.
The grieving period could be longer, depends on the people. It’s not the same for every people.
And yes, it is a trauma. Friendship breakup usually related to trust issues.
And in her case, it’s a lot worse. Because it’s a betrayal from a number of people at the same time.
He said, usually she will isolate herself, and isolation will make everything worse. But don’t force her anything.
This is the part where he seemed pissed.
Because i said i forced her to talk to me.
I forced her to talk about what happened, about her problems.
And because whenever she said she needs some time alone, i didn’t let her to take much time alone.
Maybe few hours, but that’s all.
He said i need to understand her. Trauma is not something that can be taken lightly.
If it is a common problem, well, yes, she might go to you and tell her what is bugging her.
But this, this is different. Way different.
She really needs her time so she can move on with her life from her friendship breakup.

I asked him, why it seems like she’s trusting everyone around her but not me ?
He said it’s just what I see. The people around her might be from a community she knew.
He said her need for a community is normal.
She needs her sense of belonging back to cope with her pain, to deal with what she’s been through. (I was partly right. Ha.)
So it’s not about whom she trust.
It’s about her trying to get back on track. One step at a time.
Socializing is important. Without sense of belonging, well, people would fall to madness.
Actually, i felt that way too, weeks ago.
Without friends, without any community, with my best friend left me, and with her withdrawing herself for me because of what she experienced, i dropped into the well of despair.
It’s as if no one needs me. I am useless.
But I have to be strong. I have to crawl my way up. I can’t be like this.
I have to stand tall for her. I have to be strong for her.
Although it seems like she is better at dealing with her problems, but needs longer time than i do.
I guess i need to get my sense of belonging back, too.

He said to me, i need to keep supporting her. But slowly.
I cant force her to talk about anything like i did.
It was totally, completely, wrong.
I need to be someone who understand her. Someone who can she trust completely in time like this. Someone who she can talk to about things when she’s ready to talk. When she wants to.
Not the other way around, i pushed her too hard. I forced her to talk about a lot of things.
In her condition, she won’t be able to think rationally. She won’t be able to think straight. And maybe, i made her even more depressed and made her negative thoughts worse.
Her negative thoughts might come from what i did. All i did was making the thoughts more severe.
And he told me not to let her cut all her relationship. He warned me that she might withdraw from people, or even become emotionally distant. This is the effect from the trauma. It’s a symptom.
Even to someone that she loves, that is.. Me.
The most important thing is, not to force my loved one to open up, but to let her know that i will be there to listen whenever she feels ready.
He said to me to keep motivating her, and be patient.
Patience, is the key.

Thank you, kind Doctor whom i just met hours ago. You didn’t even ask for a payment.
You made me want to say a lot of things to her right now.
And i’m going to begin with an apology.
I’m going to apologize to her for what i did.
How annoying and stupid i was for forcing her to do this and that, to talk things that she didn’t want to talk.
Now i’m feeling like i’m the most stupid person in the world.
I really need to work on my impatience.
For her.
For me.
For our relationship.

……

Dear Love,

I’m sorry for what i did.
I was oblivious.
Yes, i was oblivious to a lot of things.
But i understand more now.
I understand better. A lot better.
I’m on the whole different level of understanding.
I believe it’ll work itself out just fine. Time can heal and bring clarity.
All we need is just a little patience and the love we have for each other.
We’ll be fine.
I believe as long as we’re together, everything will be fine.

Love,
V.A.C.W.

Patience

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