20-10-2015.

3:34 AM.

She just went offline few minutes ago. Her Steam, Skype, and Facebook.
Not being able to talk to her because she doesn’t want to reply my message is stressing me out everyday.
I mean, i know she needs her time alone. Forcing her to deal quickly with her trust issues and telling her to reply my messages is wrong.
She needs time, yes.
But i just can’t get these questions out of my head at time like these.

“What is she actually doing when I’m not talking to her? What is she doing this late? Why did she went offline the instant she saw me online on Steam? What is it that she doesn’t want me to know?”

She’s playing online game? Maybe, i don’t know. I told her to stop playing a certain game months ago, but of course she can’t fully stop playing it instantly.
She’s watching YouTube? Well, I remember she loves to watch some YouTube videos about people’s stories and all.
She’s doing nothing? Unlikely.
She’s talking to her friends? I don’t know, she might be. I remember she said that she wants to show the world that she’s fine even though she’s cracked inside.
She’s talking sweet things to another guy? God no, i bloody hope not. This one’s very unlikely, i know, but i can’t get it out of my head.
And hundreds of another question, screaming, wanting to be answered.

My head hurts thinking of all the answer to my insecurities.
Literally, i’m having migraines almost every time i think too bloody long and too bloody hard about what she is doing.
First time i had my migraine, it was quite severe, i even had a nosebleed along with it.
It’s not killing me, i can cope with the pain. And if i’m not overthinking things, i won’t be having any migraines.
Plus, the pain lessens everyday. I know I understand her more and more everyday.
She needs her bloody time.
I guess I need to slap myself every time i whine and overthink about this.
Well, people said, Love is when you demand less and understand more.
It’s just.. It’s a daily torture. And like i said in my previous post, I’m getting used to being tortured everyday.
Seems like i’m turning to masochist. Heartsick masochist.

At time like this, i’m trying to think positive. Maybe she can’t sleep, she’s reading articles, or maybe she’s just watching YouTube videos.
Maybe it’s not because i went online and she saw me. Maybe it’s simply because she was just about to go to sleep.
But i honestly would exchange my daily meal for whats she’s doing everyday.
I can cope with physical hunger.
Emotional hunger? The pain is worse. At least for me.

People said, what you see is not always what it is. Even salt looks like sugar.
I know, i know that.
And she said to me, :
“When you realize that you are really hopeless about your surroundings and you don’t get the answer of your confusion, you will start to doubt things.”
Yes. Maybe I’m hopeless. Maybe I’m confused. Because i simply don’t know what you’re doing.
But i won’t let those feelings overwhelm me.

……

Dear Love,

There is one thing i know for sure when I’m done questioning everything in my head.
I trust you.
I trust that you are simply having your time alone, maybe trying to search and collect your scattered pieces. Every last tiniest bit of them.
I trust that you’re not doing anything related to my stupid worried questions that was swirling in my head.
Deep in my heart, there’s fear. Fear of trusting you.
I believe everyone have this kind of fear when they’re trusting someone, whether they realise it, or not.
I fear that you might do something that I’m afraid of. Anything related to my silly, worried questions.
But i won’t let the fear grow bigger.
Because i have my love for you.
I will beat the fear to pulp with it.
Amor vincit omnia. Love conquers all.
Remember?

Love,
V.A.C.W.

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