16-10-2015.

I am not going to ask myself, or ask her, or ask anyone why she can’t trust anyone at this point.
I understand. She is afraid. Afraid that if she get into any relationship, be it friendship, or even sharing her whole life with someone, she will get betrayed, again.
She is afraid of uncertainties. She doesn’t know if me and her will work in the future. She doesn’t know if me and her will all worth in the end, being happy together.
“Fairy tales does not exist. Even if it is, it is just not for me.” she said.
She can’t think positive about relationship.
Which, if people see and observe her thinking from the outside, is a complete utter madness.
It’s like stating the obvious in a completely negative way.

Let’s begin with why people got into a relationship.
Personal opinion : to reach happiness together with love as the foundation.
Two people that agreed to share their life, to walk together, to get to know each other better, to face all the difficulties together, to face what future has in store for them together.
No one is sure at first.
Hah, not even me.
I remember i was the one who was afraid of things. I was the one who said to her that i’m afraid of our future together. I was seeing the difficulties ahead all by myself.
I spent days thinking of what would happen to us. What should i do.
All i can came up with? Nothing.
All i can say to her was, “I don’t know what will happen in the future. But i will try my best to make you happy. I have you. I will hold your hand and walk together to the future. Even if it’s full of uncertainties. I want to face the future with you.”
And she smiled. Big smile.
I sensed happiness from her smile.
I sensed love, hope, and willingness to work things together.

Now where are they?
It’s as if she forgot all of those feeling.
It’s as if she forgot her promises, and her love for me.
I know she doesn’t easily forget. It’s not amnesia.
It’s a trauma.
A scar made by a number of people who betrayed her, a cut in her heart, so deep it damaged her trust. It damaged her positiveness. It messed up her whole mind.
The pain from the scar made her curled up to a tiny little ball, sealed from the world.
She wrapped herself in fear. Her eyes are so clouded with it she sees nothing in people but their untrustworthiness.
It made her think that trusting someone is futile. Useless.
It made her think that people will always leave from her life, no matter how much she fought for them.
It made her afraid to touch her own feelings.
It made her think that our relationship is totally wrong.

I honestly don’t know how to help her with her trust issues other than giving her all my love, affection, and kindness.
But she doesn’t want all of those.
All she want right now is to be left alone.
Personally, with all the negative things in her head right now, i don’t think she will see the light in her darkness very soon if she keeps this up.
She keeps making herself miserable with all her thoughts.
She needs something to make her think positive.
And i don’t know what it is.
I told her to see things from different perspective, to see things from the positive side, yet she didn’t say anything.
I told her that i will always be there for her, i will never leave her despite of what shes thinking about people leaving her, yet she doesn’t trust me.
I offered her my hand for her to take, i offered her a slow walk to the depths of faith, i asked her to trust me over time, so she will be able to see my love for her again, and she refused.
I told her to look for her love for me, to see what we have between us, to look at our memories, but she doesn’t want to.
I tried to get her permission to meet her, to try and talk things with her, to hug her, but she said she doesn’t want to meet anyone.
I’m running out of ideas.

To not be able to help someone i dearly love with her problem is a slow burn.
And sometimes, missing her care, smile, and laugh can be so hard and painful.
Although honestly, i’m getting used to being tortured day by day.
I can’t do anything other than leaving her alone so she can fix her own problems.
Until today, this very second, i still hope there is something i can do for her. To evoke her positiveness and her trust.
I pray every morning and night, plus numerous silent prayer between.
I pray that God will help her to see a light, to be able to see things positively amidst the chaotic mess she’s having.

If there’s one thing i can do and i’m sure at, is the fact that i won’t give her up.
No matter how hard the situation is.
She asked me to. She warned me that she might give up. And i promised, i promised that i will hold on.
In her condition right now, she might see me doing an act of folly, but, i don’t want to leave her, i don’t want to give her up just because of what she experienced.
If i give up now, if i leave her now, its going to be like pouring fuel to a fire. Her fire. It will burn her even more.
She might not realise it, but she will once i left her.
And i don’t want that to happen to her.

……

Dear love,

I know it’s hard. I know what they did to you hurts so bad.
But don’t give up. Don’t let anything take away your happiness from you.
Look for the slightest glimmer of hope.
I promise you it will get easier. Maybe not right now, maybe it feels harder and harder everyday. But at one point, it will get easier.
And when you get through, you will see why you held on.
Remember that i am not leaving. I will always be there for you.
People come and go, yes.
But the right ones, will ALWAYS stay.

Love,
V.A.C.W.

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