03:33 AM.

It’s 31st October.
… Time flies.

Exactly 2 months ago, I was holding her in my arms.
Just a fortnight before ‘that’ happened.

We were having dinner that night.
She was super busy with assignment, and something happened with her and people around her.
That night was the first time she had a proper dinner after two days.
I asked what happened, and asked if i could go to her place after dinner.
She looked terrified.
As if there’s something she doesn’t want to see in her place other than her piling assignments.
I told her it’s fine if she doesn’t want to tell me, I can ask her later when she’s finished with her assignments.
And, well, now i know what happened to her that day.

I remember what I said to her,
“I will give you your time that you need for your assignments. It’s okay if you’re busy. I understand.”
“But, I just want to ask you one thing : You know I miss you, and I’m trying to be patient with your routine. Please, do not make me regret my decision to give you your busy time later.”
She said : Yes.

I gave her her birthday present, gave her one big hug, plenty of kisses, and took a train back home.

That, was the last time i saw her smile, was the last time i saw her laugh, was the last time i saw her.
Because 2 weeks after, she was destroyed. To pieces.
And she’s still struggling to search for her scattered pieces.
And I’m not allowed to help.

And to this day, I still can’t completely understand why she can’t talk to me just like she’s talking to someone else.
Okay. she can’t talk sweet things, but, not even a simple “how are you?”
Not even a simple “what are you doing?”
She said because it felt like she needs to be like what she was before ‘that’ happened.
Can’t she just..
No, maybe not. I was, and still – she’s just too afraid to touch her feeling – the person she loves. A very important person to her.
Yes, ‘that’ made her having a major trust issues. Even to someone she loves the most. Me.
But what of other people? Why can she talk to them?
Because they are no one ? Because she don’t have anything related to them ?
Yes, I’m jealous. It hurts a little. Just because i don’t completely understand.
I’m slightly confused right now.

Do i regret that I gave her the time?
Honestly, I don’t know. What happened to me and her was totally unfair.
It’s like I’m playing football alone against 11 men, and I’m forced to sit in the bench leaving my goal unguarded.
And now, she doesn’t even want to see me.
Heck, not even a simple small talks.
I am ready to blame anyone right now.

There are a lot of things i don’t understand between me and her after ‘that’ happened.
She doesn’t even understand herself right now.
.. Sigh.
How did things get so horribly complicated?
All i want is to live my life with her, and make her happy for the rest of her life.
Is that so difficult ?


Dear Love,

What happened to us?
I know you don’t know the answer.
And neither do I.
I know you don’t know when will you be able to talk to me again freely.
And, again, neither do I.
We both are oblivious to many things that happened between us.
People said time will answer things that you and me don’t understand now.
All i know right now, I want to try to see you. And see what’s going to happen.
.. I know you hate the idea.
But sometimes, talking directly face to face without speaking, is the best thing to do to be able to understand things between two person.
As long as we talk with our heart.
At least I am trying to do something for us.
I can’t help but wonder about what are you doing everyday since i gave you your space.
Are you.. trying to fix yourself everyday?
Are you.. trying to fix what happened to us even though you don’t know what was it?
Have you.. Read your “Magic” Book?
Don’t give up.
Yes, it’s still quite a journey for you, for us, to recover. Although anything can happen in just one day. We don’t know. No one knows.
But look behind, look how far we’ve walked together.
After years, we finally come this far.
Don’t you give up.
I miss you.




I know what people might think if I tell them what I’m going through right now.

“How could she ?”
“Then why are you sticking around like this ?”
“She’s up to no good. I can feel it.”
“Either you’re stupid, or she’s just selfish as fuck.”
“Haven’t you got something more important to do ?”

The best response i might get are,

“Be patient. Time will heal her.”
“She needs space. Don’t worry.”

Those responses are all okay.
The best responses are mostly true.
I understand why some people think she’s bad,
and why some people think that she needs more time.

But they don’t understand me. They don’t understand her.
They don’t understand us.
Well, no one can fully understand other people’s situation.


When i was little, i had this one favourite watch.
It was an ordinary kid’s watch, made of plastic, with blackish blue color.
It was my only treasure. I wore it everyday and everywhere.

One day, the watch gone missing.
People in my house searched for it, in every corner, every nook and cranny.
They didn’t find it.
I cried for days, almost a fortnight, because of that watch.
It was the only thing that i have, the only thing that i love.

Until one day, when i was sobbing, frustrated because of the watch,
I turned on my computer, was about to play an old game called Supaplex.
As i slid out the keyboard tray,
It was there.
On the top of the dusty old keyboard.

I was screaming. In joy.
“It came back to me !” Was my thought.
Well i played the computer game almost everyday. But the day before, it was NOT there.
I didn’t know who put it over there.
Or maybe the watch was simply jumping to the keyboard tray, waiting for me to find it.
It was slightly cracked, and the battery was dead.
But i didn’t care. It came back to me. I didn’t even care if it’s completely broken and won’t be able to function like a normal watch.
It was my one and only treasure.
I had it once again. I was overjoyed.

I guess, this is what I am.
When i love something, or someone, i make them part of my life.
I wear them like jewels, not to show them, but just to keep them close to me.
I treasure them. I don’t want to lose them.
I will fight to the death for them.

But when they suddenly gone missing,
I’m turning into the saddest person in the world in one blink of an eye.

Just like what is happening right now.
There is nothing i can do to help her.
And sitting around waiting while someone that i love is fighting her war all by herself, is definitely something that i hate.
It made me feel useless.

When I love, I love really hard. Often too hard.
Maybe sometimes I’m too altruistic.
Maybe people would say that It’s a bad thing.
But I don’t care what people might say.

I am what I am.


Dear Love,

I know i said this countless times.
But don’t give up.
Don’t lose your way.
Don’t let what happened to you change you.
Be yourself, Don’t be afraid to show your true colours.
Let people talk behind you.
Let them think whatever they want to think.
I don’t care if you’re cracked, broken, or whatever you call yourself.
I’ve seen you at your lowest point. And I will still love you just the same.
Don’t be afraid to love, don’t be afraid to trust.
Do not fear me. I am not a monster.
Don’t let what happened to you made you fail to see trustworthy people around you.
You just need to open your eyes and heart a little bit wider.
Embrace your love.



A Heart Yearns.

3:57 AM.

I woke up with pain in my chest.

I sat up in my bed,
gazing into the darkness of my room.
How did you get inside my head ?

I thought of you in an instant.
Your eyes. Your laugh. your smile.
How did we become this distant?

I never saw you like this before.
Locked up inside, hiding your trust and love.
Why don’t you open your door?

You told the world you’re a lover.
But betrayal made you forget who you are.
When will you recover?



I remember when i said to you,
“Do you miss me like i miss you?”
Do you, now?


I left her alone.

No, we’re not over.
It’s just, she said she needs her time alone.
This time’s for real.

She said she wants to going through her recovery process alone.
And i accepted. With one condition.
She’s not to give up on us.

I really want to help her going through all this.
But i realized, she really doesn’t want any help.
I don’t understand why she wants to go through this alone.
On the other hand, i want her to recover.
I want her to be able to trust me again, to be able to love and laugh in my arms again.
And she wants to be alone.

This is hard.
This is ridiculously unfair.
It’s like universe is playing her game with us.
I did nothing, and now i forced to leave her alone, forced to give her space.

I feel empty.
I feel like i have no choice but to accept.
On one side, i am glad that she wants to recover, that she’s not giving up.
On the other side, i could use some affections, some love from her.
Well, what choice do i have ? I really want her to recover.
I really want her to once again be able to feel her love for me.

“Things take time.”
“Some things just cant be rushed.”
Yes, i know, i know.
I guess i have to be patient and pray for her.

That’s exactly what am i going to do.


Dear Love,

I have nothing much to say to you other than “Don’t give up”.
Remember your promises.
I remember mine.
I don’t know how long it would be until you’re recovered from your betrayal, and able to feel your love towards me once again.
It could be tomorrow, the day after, next week, next month, or maybe miraculously on my birthday.
No one knows but God.
At time like this, i remember when you said, “If in the end I’m going to be with you, I’m okay with waiting.”
Words are prayer, i guess ? It’s like we’re being tested by God.
Remember this one, too ?
“… Even if the universe itself tries to keep us separated,
I will always find my way to you.”
Don’t give up. I’ll be here patiently waiting.
Find your way to me.



Despair, Denial, and Hope.

The tide flowed,
from the sea of sorrow.

She sat there, watching them arrive,
as the waves of gloom ate her alive.
Sadness swept her into deep grief,
leaving her no slightest relief.

If there were screams, they were all silent.
She stood up, frozen, engulfed with dread.
Her heart and her mind were violent.
Trepidation and despair occupied her head.

She emerged from the waves.
Her eyes were wet with confusion.
When i was looking at how she behaves,
I’m certain that she was struck with delusion.

I approached her as she came ashore.
“STAY AWAY!” she shouted, her voice filled with doubt.
She has denied herself things she can’t live without.
As if love and trust doesn’t matter anymore.

She’s walking away aimlessly, wandering
further and further with each step she’s taking.

Following her close from behind,
I tried, and still trying to hold her hand.
Yet she kept saying, “You won’t understand.”
Fear made her heart chose to be blind.

I shouted your name, again and again.
You looked behind without a smile, frightened.
I asked you to go back into love, to once again see the light.
But you declined, bewildered, swallowed by the night.
No explanation, too terrified to speak, your jaws tightened.
You withdrew, alone, in dismay, and in pain.

O love, what sort of madness you’ve seen,
that made you refuse to acknowledge your feeling?
You greet, you smile to everyone you meet.
Hiding the pain, you speak every word in discreet.
Wearing your smiling mask, brilliantly deceiving.
World is the stage, for you to do your scene.

To stay close with you, I volunteered.
Nothing more in the world than i can offer
other than my sincere, and honest love,
as beautiful as the stars in the sky above.
I was born to love you, not to make you suffer.
Do not be afraid, I am not to be feared.

My love, try to stop for a while,
search for the love and trust for me that you have in you,
and remember every moments we have been through.
I promise I would make your life worthwhile.



Because i believe what we have won’t go away.
Just because of what others did to us.
It will stand even the test of time.
I believe.



Okay so.

Yesterday i was hospitalized for food poisoning.
It was terrible, really.
But, i met a doctor, a young doctor, when i was walking on the corridor with my IV drip. I was about to pay for hospital fees.

He was nice. He asked me about how am i feeling. I said i’m better.
And, i don’t know what’s wrong with him having a lot of free time talking to a patient that was not his patient, but we talked about a lot of things. for minutes.
What’s special about this guy is that he.. Is in the Psychology Department.
I spontaneously said that i wanted to consult.
He laughed.
But i said i was serious.
And within few minutes we were back to my room.
We talked about my problem with her.

I started to tell him all about us.
About what i felt, about what she’s been through. Almost everything.
And.. He was mad at me.
Not literally mad, just kind of pissed as in like, “Why did you do that?” kind of pissed.
Or maybe he wasn’t pissed, it was just his face, i don’t know.
The point is, he told me a lot of things.

He told me that friendship breakup is usually a lot worse than relationship breakup.
Usually people would need almost 2 months to cope with what happened.
The grieving period could be longer, depends on the people. It’s not the same for every people.
And yes, it is a trauma. Friendship breakup usually related to trust issues.
And in her case, it’s a lot worse. Because it’s a betrayal from a number of people at the same time.
He said, usually she will isolate herself, and isolation will make everything worse. But don’t force her anything.
This is the part where he seemed pissed.
Because i said i forced her to talk to me.
I forced her to talk about what happened, about her problems.
And because whenever she said she needs some time alone, i didn’t let her to take much time alone.
Maybe few hours, but that’s all.
He said i need to understand her. Trauma is not something that can be taken lightly.
If it is a common problem, well, yes, she might go to you and tell her what is bugging her.
But this, this is different. Way different.
She really needs her time so she can move on with her life from her friendship breakup.

I asked him, why it seems like she’s trusting everyone around her but not me ?
He said it’s just what I see. The people around her might be from a community she knew.
He said her need for a community is normal.
She needs her sense of belonging back to cope with her pain, to deal with what she’s been through. (I was partly right. Ha.)
So it’s not about whom she trust.
It’s about her trying to get back on track. One step at a time.
Socializing is important. Without sense of belonging, well, people would fall to madness.
Actually, i felt that way too, weeks ago.
Without friends, without any community, with my best friend left me, and with her withdrawing herself for me because of what she experienced, i dropped into the well of despair.
It’s as if no one needs me. I am useless.
But I have to be strong. I have to crawl my way up. I can’t be like this.
I have to stand tall for her. I have to be strong for her.
Although it seems like she is better at dealing with her problems, but needs longer time than i do.
I guess i need to get my sense of belonging back, too.

He said to me, i need to keep supporting her. But slowly.
I cant force her to talk about anything like i did.
It was totally, completely, wrong.
I need to be someone who understand her. Someone who can she trust completely in time like this. Someone who she can talk to about things when she’s ready to talk. When she wants to.
Not the other way around, i pushed her too hard. I forced her to talk about a lot of things.
In her condition, she won’t be able to think rationally. She won’t be able to think straight. And maybe, i made her even more depressed and made her negative thoughts worse.
Her negative thoughts might come from what i did. All i did was making the thoughts more severe.
And he told me not to let her cut all her relationship. He warned me that she might withdraw from people, or even become emotionally distant. This is the effect from the trauma. It’s a symptom.
Even to someone that she loves, that is.. Me.
The most important thing is, not to force my loved one to open up, but to let her know that i will be there to listen whenever she feels ready.
He said to me to keep motivating her, and be patient.
Patience, is the key.

Thank you, kind Doctor whom i just met hours ago. You didn’t even ask for a payment.
You made me want to say a lot of things to her right now.
And i’m going to begin with an apology.
I’m going to apologize to her for what i did.
How annoying and stupid i was for forcing her to do this and that, to talk things that she didn’t want to talk.
Now i’m feeling like i’m the most stupid person in the world.
I really need to work on my impatience.
For her.
For me.
For our relationship.


Dear Love,

I’m sorry for what i did.
I was oblivious.
Yes, i was oblivious to a lot of things.
But i understand more now.
I understand better. A lot better.
I’m on the whole different level of understanding.
I believe it’ll work itself out just fine. Time can heal and bring clarity.
All we need is just a little patience and the love we have for each other.
We’ll be fine.
I believe as long as we’re together, everything will be fine.




You are the thought I wake up to,
And the thought i fall asleep to.

Your voice, your smile,
Wash away all my fear.
Your laugh echoes in my mind, and warms my heart,
Making distance disappear.

If I write all the things i have in my head
about how much you mean to me,
I would never have the chance,
to finish all the sentences for you to see.

The love i have for you will never fade.
Nor will it die.
It can never decay.
To this love, i will never say goodbye.

You are the love of my life.
That’s all i know and i need to know.
And if this is only a dream,
I will kill anyone who tries to wake me up
And feed them to the crow.

I do, love you.


Look what my habit to contemplate things brought me this time, love.
Straight from hospital bed.
You are my muse.

21-10-2015. [2]

I made a terrible terrible mistake.
I never knew the fruit of impatience can be this bad.

I was asking her how she’s doing with her vacation abroad.
I was missing her so bad, yes, i was being impatient although i said to myself to be patient until she’s back home.
Now i feel slight regret over that.
Like i said, i was asking her how she’s doing. She didn’t reply, as usual.
And.. I forced her to reply.
I said to her, maybe because she’s feeling better over there, maybe because she’s on vacation, and maybe because it seems like she’s able to talk with some people around her.
And i said sorry.

And.. well, she blocked me from her LINE messenger timeline.
Because she knew i knew what she’s doing from her LINE timeline.

I was having the worst breakdown in my whole life an hour ago.
Whole body was shaking, i cried my eyes out, i screamed like crazy.
It felt like she’s leaving me. It felt like she doesn’t have her love for me anymore.

I’m all good now, though.
I guess.. I learned something.
I learned what impatience could bring. In the hardest possible way for me right now.
Her avoiding me and not replying my message is already hard enough.
Now with her blocking me from her LINE timeline, it’s even harder for me.

No, reader, i won’t give up.
When i was hurting and breaking down, i screamed to myself not to give up.
I’ve come this far, I finally have her after all we’ve been through.
I am not going to give up because of something that i didn’t do.
I did some mistakes, but i learned. We all do.
I am going to push forward.
Yes, i know i am going through hell.
But just as Winston Churchill said,
“Never, never, never, never give up.”

Again, lesson learned. The hard way.
i need to be patient. Impatience brings disaster.
I need to work on my ability give her space, her time alone.

God help me.


Dear Love,

I’m sorry for what i did today.
I know i was being impatient. Despite what you said about wanting to be alone.
Right now i have one small regret.
I wish i didn’t force you to answer my messages.
I made a mistake. I’m sorry.
But, what happened today, made me a better person.
Lesson learned about impatience. In the hardest way possible.
It’s as if you slapped me in the face virtually and told me to be patient
It’s as if you angrily told me to remember to leave you alone in your condition right now.
Now, i believe, every time i’m going to lose my patience, i will always remember what i did to you.
And the consequences i got.
Again, i’m sorry.
I know you too learned your mistakes from what happened with you.
Just, few things :
Do not misinterpret the lessons you took.
Do not let them make you a bitter person.
Let them make you a better person, not the other way around.
And together, we will see each other become a better person, day by day.
For us.




She’s on vacation abroad with her family. For maybe a week or less, I’m not quite sure.
I wish the vacation could refresh her mind. Make her energized, and able to see things differently when she comes back later.
There is just one thing that i need to cope up with.
It’s the fact that in her condition right now, I’m not her priority anymore like I used to be.

Let me explain.
She will take photos, yes, of course. It’s a vacation. Taking photos for memories is somehow a must.
But when she come back, she probably wouldn’t tell me how was the vacation going.
I don’t even know when will she come back.
I told her if she feels like telling me when she’s back home, please do tell me.
And i don’t think she’s going to tell me.
Heck, i don’t even know is she’s enjoying her vacation with her condition right now.
She will (or won’t), maybe, post the photos online. On Facebook. Messengers with timelines. Etc.
Back then she would spare me some photos she took for my eyes only. In her own unique expression.
And i loved it. I saved and treasured it.
I don’t think she would do the same thing for me this time.
In short, no special treatment. Not with her condition now.

I don’t even know what she thinks about me right now.
She said it’s hard to talk to me because in her condition right now, she can’t make herself back to be what she was. And she knows it’s torturing me.
And knowing me tortured everyday hurts her even more.
Like i said, She’s currently going through a bad bad friendship breakup, i know.
She even said to me, “right now i really can’t think positive about us. A relationship with people will be like business relationship. You can leave whenever you want when you’re done and i won’t get hurt”.
Fortunately, my ‘business’ with her isn’t done yet.
I need to make her happy everyday for the rest of her life.
I said it few times to her, which i know she doesn’t forget.


Dear Love,

I’m not a businessman.
Unless the business here is to love you and make you happy until death’s calling me, then I’ll be glad to do it.
And i know you have your own love for me, hiding somewhere in your heart, too afraid to come out.
And you’re too afraid to search for it.
If you want a business partner, i can give you business partner. In love.
Let’s sign the contract. In front of your family and my family.
The first point would be to love and take care of each other until death do us part.
Yes, that’s stupidly cheesy as hell. I know.
But you love cheesy things. No ?
I just want live my life in love with you and make you happy.
That’s all i want. And nothing else.




3:34 AM.

She just went offline few minutes ago. Her Steam, Skype, and Facebook.
Not being able to talk to her because she doesn’t want to reply my message is stressing me out everyday.
I mean, i know she needs her time alone. Forcing her to deal quickly with her trust issues and telling her to reply my messages is wrong.
She needs time, yes.
But i just can’t get these questions out of my head at time like these.

“What is she actually doing when I’m not talking to her? What is she doing this late? Why did she went offline the instant she saw me online on Steam? What is it that she doesn’t want me to know?”

She’s playing online game? Maybe, i don’t know. I told her to stop playing a certain game months ago, but of course she can’t fully stop playing it instantly.
She’s watching YouTube? Well, I remember she loves to watch some YouTube videos about people’s stories and all.
She’s doing nothing? Unlikely.
She’s talking to her friends? I don’t know, she might be. I remember she said that she wants to show the world that she’s fine even though she’s cracked inside.
She’s talking sweet things to another guy? God no, i bloody hope not. This one’s very unlikely, i know, but i can’t get it out of my head.
And hundreds of another question, screaming, wanting to be answered.

My head hurts thinking of all the answer to my insecurities.
Literally, i’m having migraines almost every time i think too bloody long and too bloody hard about what she is doing.
First time i had my migraine, it was quite severe, i even had a nosebleed along with it.
It’s not killing me, i can cope with the pain. And if i’m not overthinking things, i won’t be having any migraines.
Plus, the pain lessens everyday. I know I understand her more and more everyday.
She needs her bloody time.
I guess I need to slap myself every time i whine and overthink about this.
Well, people said, Love is when you demand less and understand more.
It’s just.. It’s a daily torture. And like i said in my previous post, I’m getting used to being tortured everyday.
Seems like i’m turning to masochist. Heartsick masochist.

At time like this, i’m trying to think positive. Maybe she can’t sleep, she’s reading articles, or maybe she’s just watching YouTube videos.
Maybe it’s not because i went online and she saw me. Maybe it’s simply because she was just about to go to sleep.
But i honestly would exchange my daily meal for whats she’s doing everyday.
I can cope with physical hunger.
Emotional hunger? The pain is worse. At least for me.

People said, what you see is not always what it is. Even salt looks like sugar.
I know, i know that.
And she said to me, :
“When you realize that you are really hopeless about your surroundings and you don’t get the answer of your confusion, you will start to doubt things.”
Yes. Maybe I’m hopeless. Maybe I’m confused. Because i simply don’t know what you’re doing.
But i won’t let those feelings overwhelm me.


Dear Love,

There is one thing i know for sure when I’m done questioning everything in my head.
I trust you.
I trust that you are simply having your time alone, maybe trying to search and collect your scattered pieces. Every last tiniest bit of them.
I trust that you’re not doing anything related to my stupid worried questions that was swirling in my head.
Deep in my heart, there’s fear. Fear of trusting you.
I believe everyone have this kind of fear when they’re trusting someone, whether they realise it, or not.
I fear that you might do something that I’m afraid of. Anything related to my silly, worried questions.
But i won’t let the fear grow bigger.
Because i have my love for you.
I will beat the fear to pulp with it.
Amor vincit omnia. Love conquers all.